


Rather An Average Date

by Methoxyethane



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-11
Updated: 2016-02-11
Packaged: 2018-05-19 15:52:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5973052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Methoxyethane/pseuds/Methoxyethane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ushijima did not WANT to spend the day stalking Iwaizumi, but sometimes being Oikawa’s boyfriend involved…. Damage control.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rather An Average Date

“I don't understand,” Ushijima said flatly.

Oikawa rolled his eyes in the most dramatic fashion possible. “Of _course_ you don't,” he sighed, shaking his head as though he pitied Ushijima for his stupidity. “You have no sense of adventure or fun,” he said loftily. “Also, you don't know Iwa-chan like I do. Just trust me on this.”

Wakatoshi considered this information. “What I do know about Iwaizumi,” he said carefully, “is that he would probably dislike the idea of you stalking him for no reason. Seems like the sort of thing he'd get mad at. So I'm not sure what you're trying to do here.”

Oikawa waved his finger and shook his head, tisking. “I TOLD you, silly Ushiwaka. We are trying to find the absolute perfect present for his birthday! It's my DUTY as his Best Friend Forever to get him the best gift every year, and now that we've been cruelly separated by the turbulent rivers of adulthood-” Ushijima supposed he meant university by that “-I need to stay on top of this the only way I can! Now are you going to help me or what?”

Ushijima desperately wanted to tell him no. Wanted to tell Oikawa this was a terrible idea in every regard and there are approximately a hundred better ways to think of shopping ideas than following someone. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, after several months of dating setter Ushijima had long since learned trying to stop Oikawa from doing something would only cause him to escalate out of pure spite. He supposed this meant he was now going to spend the day stalking Iwaizumi. Resigned, he finally asked “What do you need me for, exactly?”

Tohru's eyes lit up with the spark of the truly deranged. “You know where to get chicken feed, right?” Wakatoshi, not for the first or last time, wondered what it said about him that he actually wanted to spend time with this person.

–

“Okay,” Oikawa said firmly, peeking around the corner of the building they were hiding behind to spy on where Iwaizumi and a couple of his classmates were eating lunch at an outdoor table. “You understand your part of the plan?”

“We have already established I absolutely do not,” Ushijima stated. “But I know you want me to distract his friends for a while.”

Oikawa huffed, eloquently projecting his utter disappointment in Wakatoshi. “Which I need YOU to do because they already know what _I_ look like!” 'Because I've already ambushed them before when I found out he had friends that aren't me,' Ushiwaka heard, unspoken. “And make sure Iwa-chan doesn't see you, because if you ruin phase one the whole day is wasted!”

Ushijima narrowed his eyes. “You said there only WAS one phase.”

“That's only if phase one goes perfectly, and what are the chances of that happening?” Tohru replied with an easy shrug. “Now I only have two backup plans, and only one of them can still be used if Iwa-chan's seen us, so don't screw this up!”

Why, though. Why were there backup plans? Why did there need to be backup plans to find a birthday present for your best friend? Why did Wakatoshi still expect anything Oikawa did to make sense when he should KNOW better after half a year of dating the guy?

Oikawa had already started. “I'm calling Iwa-chan now, so you only have like, a minute window to get them out of the way.” He waved Ushijima off. “Now get going, you big cotton swab!” Which. Was sort of a weird thing to call your lover, but considering five months ago he'd still been at 'useless cow,' Ushijima figured it was an improvement.

Obediently watching for the moment Iwaizumi turned away from the table to yell into his phone, Ushijima moved. And, since he'd been given no actual clues as to how he was supposed to distract Iwaizumi's classmates, went with the first and most efficient option to come to mind and picked each boy up by the collar as he walked by, carrying them both effortlessly out of sight in the back of the courtyard before he set them back down.

The two boys looked suitably confused, having been moved approximately sixty feet from where they had been sitting for what was apparently no real reason. “Uh,” one of them asked, bemusement twisting his brows. “Who are you?”

“Ushijima,” He offered honestly.

“…Ooooookay. Did you... need something?”

“I'm supposed to distract you.”

The two young men exchanged worried glances. “Distract us from what?”

Ushijima risked a glance back at where Iwaizumi's table was, but couldn't see much through the crowd of college students milling about. “I don't know. But it probably isn't safe.”

“Okay.... And why are you distracting us from this unknown danger?”

Ushijima gave this some thought. “I suppose because I'm one of those men who are always weak against their lover.”

The guy had crossed from confusion into straight-up bafflement. “...Because you're whipped? You're distracting us because you're whipped?”

Ushijima nodded with a frown, disappointed that was indeed the word he was looking for. “Yes. It seems so.”

The skinnier of Iwaizumi's two friends, meanwhile, was looking at the sky with growing concern. “Uhhhh.... So this thing that might be unsafe... Is it whatever's going on over there?” He asked, pointing at an disturbingly large flock of pigeons gravitating to the far end of the yard.

Ushijima considered the birds. “Almost certainly.”

It was, he decided, hardly a surprise when the next thing that happened was Iwaizumi screaming and running form the table, followed by a Hitchcock-esque swarm of pigeons and seagulls. Oikawa snuck through after him, dashing to where Ushijima was standing and grabbing his hand to run off the opposite direction of the bird-tastrophe, desperately explaining “I fucked up! I fucked up, Ushiwaka! I underestimated the city birds, I had no idea they were this ferocious! THESE ARE NOT MIYAGI BIRDS, USHIJIMA!”

–

Ten minutes later in the safety of a public washroom, Oikawa examined the spoils of his thankfully successful venture.

“I knew it,” Tohru complained, pouting into Iwaizumi's pilfered cellphone. “He still deletes all his text logs. Cleaning up after yourself even when I'm not around to snoop, eh, Iwa-chan? Very sneaky indeed.”

“So then stealing his phone was pointless,” Ushijima said flatly.

“Not at all!” Oikawa denies firmly, still fiddling with the phone. “This is what we have phase _two_ for.” His face twisted into one of those cute contemplative frowns, and he held up the screen for Ushijima to see a picture of two normal-looking girls waving at the camera. “Hey, which one of them looks more like she'd be Iwa-chan's type?”

Ushijima sighed. “Just tell me what phase two is.”

–

Oikawa absolutely did not tell him what phase two was. Oikawa had him stand outside the gym and wait for something to happen. Ushijima, patient as he was, was having trouble remembering why he involved himself in this when he could be at home doing something productive. Maybe pick up some strawberries and finally turn those rhubarbs into that pie he'd been thinking about.

From somewhere behind him, there was a creaking sound. It was ignorable at first, but it's persistence was soon followed by a hissing sound, and Ushijima turned around. There was a drinking fountain right next to the gym doors, and the front panel was loose like it had been pried open and hastily slammed shut again. Wakatoshi, naturally, went over and opened it again, locating the source of the problem easily as the wrench currently jammed up in the piping. When he removed it however, something burst, and what was a slight leak became a huge torrent of water loudly filling the hallway and leaking under the gym doors.

When Iwaizumi found him, Ushjima was halfway under the fountain with with the wrench in his hand, soaked to the bone in water.

Iwaizumi raised an eyebrow. Ushijima sat up. “Do you know where I can find a half-inch ninety-degree copper elbow?”

Iwaizumi only sighed, ignoring the question. “Where is he and what the hell is he doing?”

“I honestly do not know,” Ushijima said, returning to the plumbing long enough to stem off the worst of the water. “He knows I won't lie, so he just never tells me anything.”

Iwaizumi rubbed at his temples. Ushijima understood the feeling. “And the birds?”

“He wanted to steal your phone.”

“Naturally.” Iwaizumi stalked back into the gym, Ushijima lamely following after him.

Neither one of them was particularly shocked by the sight of Oikawa when the entered, surrounded by a friendly crowd of volleyball players he was schmoozing with ease. “And I was talking with – oh goodness, I don't remember her name, we only met the once. Is Iwaizumi's girlfriend Kaori or Yukie, again?”

Ushijima watched the horror blossom across Iwaizumi's face as one of his friends said, “Yeah, they're together all the time, I don't blame you! You're thinking of Yukie.”

There was a word for the particular kind of grin Oikawa had on his face. Evil, Ushijima decided. Evil is the word he's looking for. “Oh thaaaaat's right!” He confirmed cheerfully, “Silly me!”

Well, Ushijima figured. That pretty much explained the last questions he'd had about today's mad goose hunt. Wakatoshi strided over to where his boyfriend was, placing a damp hand on his shoulder and firmly announcing “I think we've done enough damage here.”

Tohru pouted a little, ducking out from under his hand with a too-dramatic-to-be-real sigh. “I suppose we should get you some dry clothes, so you don't get sick.” He said lightly, tossing Iwaizumi's phone back to his friend on the way out the door. “Sorry we couldn't stay longer and chat, Iwa-chan!”

He didn't escape without an act of violence from Iwaizumi, which also answered what had happened to that wrench.

“Actually, could I get that wrench back for a minute first? I think I'm almost done fixing that fountain.”

–

The station was crowded when they got there, fifteen minutes early for the train home with no open benches to sit on. “So,” Ushijima said decisively. “Whatever it is you're thinking of doing to that poor girl, please don't.”

“Whaaaaaaat,” Tohru dismissed with a wave of his hand. “What are you even talking about. I am a saint more trustworthy than any angel. What would I even do to the precious girl my best friend in the whole world has chosen to bless his affections with except to introduce myself?”

Wakatoshi let himself sigh a little. It wasn't like he didn't understand why Oikawa was upset. This was probably the first thing in their lives Iwaizumi hadn't shared with him, and it was obvious Tohru had lashed out because he was he was hurt about his best friend hiding something so important. That still didn't really excuse acting like a crazy person and probably harassing an innocent girl, though. He considered his next words carefully. “Since you already have her phone number, and no doubt the number of her best friend for back up-”

“Naturally,” Oikawa agreed almost smugly.

“-And Iwaizumi knows this, too. So instead of whatever awful thing you were thinking, how about you just use this fact to blackmail him into introducing you directly, where he can still...” Ushijima did not want to say 'perform damage control.' What should he say instead, then? “Supervise.”

Oikawa deliberated this advice for a moment, that contemplative pout scrunching up his nose the way it did. “I _suppose_ ,” he relented finally. “I did already have him attacked by birds today. It wouldn't kill me to be the bigger man here.”

Which was of course, as far as winning as Ushijima tended to get anyway. The train came in peace.

“Did you ever at least think of a birthday present for him?” Wakatoshi asked once they boarded.

Oikawa stuck out his tongue, rifling through his messenger bag and pulling out a plastic-packaged roll of milk bread. “Ugh, no. He sucks to buy presents for, he's too boring!” He split the bread in half, absently handing one piece to Wakatoshi without looking at him.

Ushijima accepted the bread with gratitude. “Well. I do have an idea, if it helps.”

Oikawa raised an eyebrow at him, munching on his snack. Ushijima cleared his throat, not sure why he was suddenly embarrassed. “He didn't have a phone case, right? There's a website where you can order any picture you want printed onto one.”

Ah, and Wakatoshi loved this part. The way Tohru's eyes light up with the spark of an idea that was no doubt terrible and evil, and his face split into a radiant grin that always made Ushijima's heart stutter a little, happy just for having made his arguably difficult boyfriend smile. “It's perfect!” He declared, grabbing onto Ushijima excitedly. “It's so practical he'll use it, and oh my GOD I know just the picture that's just the right amount of endearing that he won't throw it away and he'll have to go around with a picture of my face on his phonecase! It's GENIUS!” He declared joyfully, darting over to place a hot kiss on Ushijima's cheek. “Thanks, Waka-chan!”

This sort of thing, he reflected as he watched his lover cheerfully finish his bread, was why even with as high-maintenance a boyfriend as Oikawa was, Wakatoshi was glad to glad to have him. He was fussy and self-centered and dragged Ushijima into whatever hijinks he pleased, but... But Ushijima could name a hundred things he liked about Tohru anyway. Like the fact that he didn't need to take Ushijima along on this mess at all, but had invited him anyway so they could spend time together. Like the fact that he missed is best friend enough to spend a whole day pranking him. Like that fact that Tohru has just grabbed his hand, here in the middle of the train with no shame that they were both men, humming contentedly as he finished his milk bread and laid his head to rest on Ushijima's shoulder for the ride home.

Ushijima finally took a bite of his own bread. It was sweet.


End file.
